Thoughts for the Fourth of July

"Back in London, I was having dinner when one more person started in on the Stars and Stripes.

"You Americans think war is--"

I snapped.

"A John Wayne movie,' I said. 'That's what you were going to say, wasn't it? We think war is a John Wayne movie.  We think life is a John Wayne movie- with good guys and bad guys, as simple as that. Well you know something? You're right. And let me tell you who those bad guys are. They're us.  WE BE BAD.

"We're the baddest-assed sons of bitches that ever jogged in Reeboks. We're three-quarters grizzly bear and two-thirds car wreck and  descended from a stock market crash on our mother's side. You take your Germany, France, and Spain, roll them all together, and it wouldn't give us room to park our cars. We're the big boys, Jack, the original, giant, economy-sized, new and improved butt-kickers of all time. Hell can't hold our sock hops."

[Adapted from P.J. O'Rourke's essay, "Among the Euro-Weenies," 1986]