Christmas List

 Dear Santa,

I have been good this year. Sort of. Yeah, I'm still lazy but you knew that. We both know I could be a lot worse, am I right?

I wanted to tell you that I have finally decided what I want for Christmas this year. Santa, this year I want a great big case of nitreous oxide.

I went to the dentist this morning and they clamped this dome on my nose and told me to breathe in. It was a little weird at first- the nose dome definitely tickled a little- but once I got used to it I was as happy as it is possible to be when you're trapped in a dentist's chair.

Have you tried that stuff? It's the best! I'm telling you, Santa, you should get some for yourself! Nothing bothers you when you're hoovering  up the nitreous oxide. Not even the awful cable news shows that you're watching on the dentist's ceiling. (By the way, Santa, my dentist could use an upgrade to his cable subscription. I'm letting you know just in case he forgets to ask for it himself. You know me, I'm all about helping others.)

If you brought me my own supply of nitreous oxide I promise you I would become a much better person overnight. No more yelling at the radio when it's playing NPR. No more sarcastic comments when certain people leave their (pick one) shoes, pants, books, computers, car keys all over the house and then expect me to find it for them. I would be cool as a cucumber, 24/7.

So that's my Christmas list for this year, Santa. Just one item. (See how I try to make things easy for you?) I hope your elves can make it in time!

I will leave out the usual cookies and bourbon milk for you in the usual spot. Hope you enjoy it!

Your friend, 

Desperate