Eye Opener

I ran out of eye cream a few weeks ago. You know, the stuff women slather on- or, as the instructions suggest, "apply with a tapping motion"-- as part of the eternal quest to beat back the clock. I ran out, and I didn't get a refill. Too many other things to shell out one's bucks for this time of year.

Today, in the spirit of post-holiday frugality, I dug out an old jar of "Multi-Peptide Treatment: Eye Cream With Antioxidants." If memory serves I bought it last summer, used some of it then switched brands (somebody was giving out free samples). What the heck, I thought. I'll use this old stuff up and invest in a new jar in, oh I don't know, March, maybe.

Good plan, right?
The only flaw: I couldn't open the jar.

I ran the lid under hot water. I ran it under cold water. I banged on it with a heavy metal object. No dice.

I brought it downstairs to the spouse. "See if you can open this," I said.

Again, no dice. Many twists and grunts later the spouse scowled at the label. "It's the multi-peptides," he said finally. "If it were just one peptide I'm pretty sure I could kick its ass for you, but I can't handle a gang."

I began to wonder if I really wanted this stuff anywhere near my eyes. I mean, labels aside, experience was telling me it was some kind of super glue. Which I 'm nowhere near decrepit enough to use on my face, thank you. Yet.

I called the company. They said they couldn't help because the product is no longer sold in stores. "We're all online now," the young lady said. "Maybe if you called corporate, they could help you."

"No thanks."

[Note to self: File this under "On the internet no one knows you're a dog, Exhibit A."]