Where Was This Guy When Michael Moore Needed Him?
In today's Star-Tribune film critic Colin Covert reviews "Arctic Tale," the story of Nanu the polar bear and Seela the walrus, whose world is being slowly destroyed by global warming. The review is so priceless DIH feels compelled to quote at length. Translations provided.
"Arctic Tale Warms the Heart"
"'Arctic Tale ' inhabits the gray area between nature documentary and fictionalized wilderness adventure, not that the distinction will mean much to the young audiences it was made for."
You know that "grey area." It's usually called "made-up stuff." Like, I don't know, "Milo and Otis." The makers of which, as DIH recalls, never claimed they were making a documentary. But that was before MIchael Moore, so now we call it "the grey area." Sounds better than "fiction" or "fairy tale." But don't worry, kids are too dumb to care about the difference.
"Creatively edited from 15 years' worth of footage...."
I'm pretty sure this means "made up from tons of clips strung together." Hm. Where was the phrase "creatively edited" when DIH needed it? "But Professor, I was just doing some creative editing!" Might have come in handy. Uh-oh. Teachers out there: watch for "creative editing." It doesnt' sound right somehow.
"Written by Al Gore's daughter Kristina and invitingly narrated by Queen Latifah..."
Not "By Kristina Gore." You might have missed the point if he'd just said "Kristina Gore." You might have wondered "Hey, I wonder if she's any relation?" But see,this way you dont' have to. This way you know she's Al Gore's daughter. Which makes her something more important than just any writer. And the narration by "Queen Latifah" (does anyone out there know her real name?) is "Inviting," not trashy-mouthed like much of her earlier work. So it's ok to take the kids. Who are too dumb to care about what's real and what's made up, so they won't mind the whole "Queen" thing either.
"Selective editing shows the creatures on best behavior (showing how walruses devour seals would traumatize the little ones)."
And expose their little brains to a lie, too. Everybody knows all baby seals are killed by wicked furriers and Big Oil Interests.
"The animals are too cute for words..."
When a writer says anything is "too cute for words" it usually means "I am so sick of writing this drivel, I'll just say it's 'too cute for words.' That way I won't have to think of any. Oh man, am I ever gonna have myself a margarita after work..."
"There are suspenseful moments when the families encounter danger, sad passages and a smattering of low comedy: Walruses are evidently flatulent creatures, and the sound of the whole blubbery pack letting it rip is guaranteed to be the funniest thing your 6-year-old has ever heard."
Think of what that will do for dinner table behavior. Worth the price of admission in itself.
"For slightly older audiences there's the sly observation that Seela's tusks are filling out nicely and the boy seals are taking notice."
Hubba-blubba! Hey Mom- does Janie have, you know, 'tusks' yet? Is she gonna get some? Ha ha, ha ha, Janie's getting tu-usks...
"[The film's} message that life is getting more challenging for arctic creatures is presented plainly and without preaching. We are shown that icecaps are shrinking, once-frozen floes are defrosting to the point that they won't support a full-grown bear's body weight, and icebergs where walruses could rest are disappearing."
And you know Al Gore's daughter (what's her first name again? oh, well, doesn't matter) would never preach. Even when poor little Nanu's mother is probably going to die next time she tries to rest on an ice floe. She'll probably die. Just like Bambi's mama. It's a cruel world. And - and- (sob), it's all our own fault! (Sniff) Forget I said that last part. No preaching. Promise.
"The film concludes with household tips for comabitng global wraming, which might now have much effect in themseves, but offer a starting point for discussion."
Let me get this straight. This film, which never, ever "preaches," ends with a list of instructions? Giving moms more stuff to do? And even Mr. Covert admits that the "household tips" are completely useless? Oh no, Mr Covert, they're not useless! Anything that makes a 6-year-old more of a nuisance than usual is not purposeless! Think of the opportunities! "Mom! You didn't recycle the newspaper! YOU'RE KILLING SEELA! WAAAAAHHH!"
"Whether you're more attuned to adorable animals or environmental issues, 'Arctic Tale' is pretty cool."
Some issues are just too adorable for words. Maybe that's why the global warming debate is over. You're not allowed to debate any more. Shut up. Listen to your children. Who, we're making damn sure, are listening to us.
I see a school field trip coming on.
"Arctic Tale Warms the Heart"
"'Arctic Tale ' inhabits the gray area between nature documentary and fictionalized wilderness adventure, not that the distinction will mean much to the young audiences it was made for."
You know that "grey area." It's usually called "made-up stuff." Like, I don't know, "Milo and Otis." The makers of which, as DIH recalls, never claimed they were making a documentary. But that was before MIchael Moore, so now we call it "the grey area." Sounds better than "fiction" or "fairy tale." But don't worry, kids are too dumb to care about the difference.
"Creatively edited from 15 years' worth of footage...."
I'm pretty sure this means "made up from tons of clips strung together." Hm. Where was the phrase "creatively edited" when DIH needed it? "But Professor, I was just doing some creative editing!" Might have come in handy. Uh-oh. Teachers out there: watch for "creative editing." It doesnt' sound right somehow.
"Written by Al Gore's daughter Kristina and invitingly narrated by Queen Latifah..."
Not "By Kristina Gore." You might have missed the point if he'd just said "Kristina Gore." You might have wondered "Hey, I wonder if she's any relation?" But see,this way you dont' have to. This way you know she's Al Gore's daughter. Which makes her something more important than just any writer. And the narration by "Queen Latifah" (does anyone out there know her real name?) is "Inviting," not trashy-mouthed like much of her earlier work. So it's ok to take the kids. Who are too dumb to care about what's real and what's made up, so they won't mind the whole "Queen" thing either.
"Selective editing shows the creatures on best behavior (showing how walruses devour seals would traumatize the little ones)."
And expose their little brains to a lie, too. Everybody knows all baby seals are killed by wicked furriers and Big Oil Interests.
"The animals are too cute for words..."
When a writer says anything is "too cute for words" it usually means "I am so sick of writing this drivel, I'll just say it's 'too cute for words.' That way I won't have to think of any. Oh man, am I ever gonna have myself a margarita after work..."
"There are suspenseful moments when the families encounter danger, sad passages and a smattering of low comedy: Walruses are evidently flatulent creatures, and the sound of the whole blubbery pack letting it rip is guaranteed to be the funniest thing your 6-year-old has ever heard."
Think of what that will do for dinner table behavior. Worth the price of admission in itself.
"For slightly older audiences there's the sly observation that Seela's tusks are filling out nicely and the boy seals are taking notice."
Hubba-blubba! Hey Mom- does Janie have, you know, 'tusks' yet? Is she gonna get some? Ha ha, ha ha, Janie's getting tu-usks...
"[The film's} message that life is getting more challenging for arctic creatures is presented plainly and without preaching. We are shown that icecaps are shrinking, once-frozen floes are defrosting to the point that they won't support a full-grown bear's body weight, and icebergs where walruses could rest are disappearing."
And you know Al Gore's daughter (what's her first name again? oh, well, doesn't matter) would never preach. Even when poor little Nanu's mother is probably going to die next time she tries to rest on an ice floe. She'll probably die. Just like Bambi's mama. It's a cruel world. And - and- (sob), it's all our own fault! (Sniff) Forget I said that last part. No preaching. Promise.
"The film concludes with household tips for comabitng global wraming, which might now have much effect in themseves, but offer a starting point for discussion."
Let me get this straight. This film, which never, ever "preaches," ends with a list of instructions? Giving moms more stuff to do? And even Mr. Covert admits that the "household tips" are completely useless? Oh no, Mr Covert, they're not useless! Anything that makes a 6-year-old more of a nuisance than usual is not purposeless! Think of the opportunities! "Mom! You didn't recycle the newspaper! YOU'RE KILLING SEELA! WAAAAAHHH!"
"Whether you're more attuned to adorable animals or environmental issues, 'Arctic Tale' is pretty cool."
Some issues are just too adorable for words. Maybe that's why the global warming debate is over. You're not allowed to debate any more. Shut up. Listen to your children. Who, we're making damn sure, are listening to us.
I see a school field trip coming on.
Yup. I think you nailed it.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
What exactly DO you know about global warming? How deeply have you actually studied the issue? Do you know much about glaciers or carbon dioxide? And why are you so outraged about all of this? I'd honestly like to know what kind of mindeset could inspire this kind of angry screed at a seemingly innocent movie review.
ReplyDeleteWait.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was a kid, The Enlightened Classes told us we were having a new ice age.
What's up with that?
-J.
P.S. Anonymous -- if that's your real name -- the point the lovely and gracious DIH was making was that this film is masquerading as a documentary and further, aimed at an audience too young to understand the subtleties of propaganda.
ReplyDeleteHello anonymous-
ReplyDeleteActually you put your finger on it yourself. The review is "seemingly" innocent. But it isn't, really. Even the reviewer is bending over backwards trying not to say "this is propaganda trying to pass itself off as somethig else." Which distateful act is made even more distateful by the fact that it's aimed at children- who, as Joke pointed ou,t are too young to realize they're being played.
I am in favor of education. I abhor indoctrination.- DIH
I just read the review, in which the writer seems to go to great lengths to identify "creative editing" and specifically note that the film's script is wriotten by the daughter of Al Gore. If this is advancing propaganda, the reviewer has chosen a very peculiar approach for doing so, wouldn't you agree? I'd stilll like to know what YOU know about global warming that the planet's most eminent scientists have missed......awaiting an answer I am sure won't come....but your pugnacious bluster is entertaining
ReplyDeleteThe point surely is that one need not know anything about global warming to recognize propaganda about global warming. Nothing is easier to see, for instance, than that "An Inconvenient Truth" is full of lies, regardless of whether global warming is true.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of "Inconvient Truth"...Saturday in an effort to view the "other side" of global warming I started to watch an Inconvient Truth. May I say I was not prepared for the the complete self absorbed Gore Fest that it was. I had not read any reviews and had not paid to much attention to the movie in general, maybe I should have..Bible Babe
ReplyDeleteFrom the BBC
ReplyDeletePope leads eco-friendly festival
Young people play volley ball as they wait for the arrival of Pope Benedict near Loreto, Italy
Nearly everything at the festival is biodegradable or recyclable
The Catholic Church has declared Sunday "Save Creation Day" as Pope Benedict joined about 300,000 young Roman Catholics for an eco-friendly festival.
The youth festival is being held at the shrine of Loreto, in Italy.
In his main homily the Pope urged young Catholics to take better care of the planet and called for "courageous decisions" to safeguard creation.
The weekend gathering is a run-up to the 2008 Catholic World Youth Day in Sydney, Australia which he will attend.
We need a decisive 'yes' to care for creation and a strong commitment to reverse those trends that risk making the situation of decay irreversible
Pope Benedict XVI
Wearing green vestments, the pontiff told the crowd it was up to them to save the planet from development which often upset "nature's delicate equilibrium".
"Before it's too late, we need to make courageous choices that will recreate a strong alliance between man and Earth," he said.
"We need a decisive 'yes' to care for creation and a strong commitment to reverse those trends that risk making the situation of decay irreversible."
He focused on water, which he described as a "precious" resource and a potential source of tension and conflict.
On Saturday, the Pope told the crowds to have faith that they can succeed in marriage and decried what he called a "failure of love" and the decline of family values.
But the BBC's David Willey in Rome says the emphasis of the festival as a whole is on the environment, with each participant receiving a free knapsack made out of recycled plastic.
It contains a hand-cranked battery charger, plates and cutlery made from bio-degradable plastic and bags for tying up their rubbish when they leave.
The Pope is also practising what he preaches, our correspondent adds.
He is installing solar panels on the roof of the main audience hall at the Vatican and is paying for a forestry project to offset the Vatican's carbon emissions.
Sue - I find it a little presumptuous that you would feel yourself fit to speak for the intentions of the reviewer. It is much more likely that you are simply seeing things that are not really there in the review in order to fit you own view of events.
ReplyDeleteFurthermore, Joke, you asked why the "Enlightened Classes" told you that the world was in danger of global cooling 30 some odd years ago (using the term "Enlightened Classes" in a derogatory fashion, as if to suggest that "these braniac egghead scientists ain't smarter than me!"). Well, they told you that because the Earth, in fact, WAS getting colder around the 1970's! (Read about it on Wikipedia). Aerosols made this effect take place. Action was taken to limit the effect of Aerosols. The world stopped cooling. Hopefully it isn't too late to take similar steps to combat global warming - which has since emerged as a global climate trend post-Aerosol action (And no, the two trends would not have just canceled each other out, if thats what you're thinking.)
Another thing -- What is the problem with "propaganda" if its true or useful? A more appropriate name might be "useful information"!