One of Those Summer Things
Summer is upon us, and parish life adjusts to the laziest months of the year. Nothing much going on, so nothing to read in the bulletin; the choir is on leave until September, and until school starts again Donut Sundays will be nothing more than a memory.
But summer brings one challenge to us RCs: 'tis the season of the visiting missionary.
They come every year. Priests from Africa, India., the Philippines, Honduras, wherever. All with three things in common: they love Jesus Christ, they need American dollars, and their English is just this side of unintelligible.
Be honest: when was the last time you understood a word these guys were saying? The only missionary I could follow in the last five years was from Australia. And since his sermon started with a twenty-minute lecture on what schmucks we greedy global-warming Yanks are, I was sorry I could. (It ended, of course, with "and now give me your money." Which, being the genial sorts we are, we did. Stupid Americans, huh?)
In light of this language problem DIH has provided a guide to the basic all-purpose foreign missionary sermon. Here is all you need to know in a handy print-and-save format.
"Hello. I am from a third world country. My family is mostly pagan and Moslem. You should have seen my mother's face when I told her I was going to be a Catholic priest. She almost dropped the chicken she was about to sacrifice. And my father, forget it. 'This jihad will be a first for our clan,' he said. Let's just say I don't get home for Ramadan anymore.
"In my country we are very poor. We do not have American luxuries. LIke sewers. Seweres are awesome. We'd really like to dig a few for our miserable villages. We don't have cars, either. You seem to have about seven apiece. God bless America.[cough]
"One guy running your parish, you think that's tough? My parish covers eighteen thousand square kilometers. You can do your own calculations, I can't be bothered with your stupid English system. Go metric already.
"My country is only two per cent Christian. You think you have trouble finding volunteers to paint the parish hall? Not that we have a parish hall, but if we did, who would paint it? So you can see we must live very simply.
"But our seminaries are full, ha ha ha. And yours? No? Hm. Well in that case let's make a deal. Give us your money and maybe we'll help you out with your clergy shortage some day. Because it looks like you're going to need it.
"Remember, in the kingdom of heaven the first shall be last and the last shall be first. Just so you know, I counted the SUVs in the parking lot before mass. I don't think I have to tell you who's going to be last when the day comes. Cough it up now and we'll put in a good word for you at the front of the line.
"Am I making myself understood?
"Thank you and God bless you."
But summer brings one challenge to us RCs: 'tis the season of the visiting missionary.
They come every year. Priests from Africa, India., the Philippines, Honduras, wherever. All with three things in common: they love Jesus Christ, they need American dollars, and their English is just this side of unintelligible.
Be honest: when was the last time you understood a word these guys were saying? The only missionary I could follow in the last five years was from Australia. And since his sermon started with a twenty-minute lecture on what schmucks we greedy global-warming Yanks are, I was sorry I could. (It ended, of course, with "and now give me your money." Which, being the genial sorts we are, we did. Stupid Americans, huh?)
In light of this language problem DIH has provided a guide to the basic all-purpose foreign missionary sermon. Here is all you need to know in a handy print-and-save format.
"Hello. I am from a third world country. My family is mostly pagan and Moslem. You should have seen my mother's face when I told her I was going to be a Catholic priest. She almost dropped the chicken she was about to sacrifice. And my father, forget it. 'This jihad will be a first for our clan,' he said. Let's just say I don't get home for Ramadan anymore.
"In my country we are very poor. We do not have American luxuries. LIke sewers. Seweres are awesome. We'd really like to dig a few for our miserable villages. We don't have cars, either. You seem to have about seven apiece. God bless America.[cough]
"One guy running your parish, you think that's tough? My parish covers eighteen thousand square kilometers. You can do your own calculations, I can't be bothered with your stupid English system. Go metric already.
"My country is only two per cent Christian. You think you have trouble finding volunteers to paint the parish hall? Not that we have a parish hall, but if we did, who would paint it? So you can see we must live very simply.
"But our seminaries are full, ha ha ha. And yours? No? Hm. Well in that case let's make a deal. Give us your money and maybe we'll help you out with your clergy shortage some day. Because it looks like you're going to need it.
"Remember, in the kingdom of heaven the first shall be last and the last shall be first. Just so you know, I counted the SUVs in the parking lot before mass. I don't think I have to tell you who's going to be last when the day comes. Cough it up now and we'll put in a good word for you at the front of the line.
"Am I making myself understood?
"Thank you and God bless you."
hi. my name's john. my mom and i did an online search for her uncle father james halligan and we found your blog. i've always lived in california and only met him once when i was really young. it was interesting to read what someone who knew him had to say. thanks for thinking so highly of him.
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ReplyDeleteYou are welcome, John. Your mom's uncle was a great man.
ReplyDeleteYou crack me up, DIH! My husband laughed, too (I read the guide to him). There ARE a lot of SUVs in our parish parking lot... Thanks for the giggle.
ReplyDeleteI want a clarification. Does a 12 passenger van/"bus" count as an SUV? It's big, but NOT sporty?
ReplyDeleteBible Babe
No, dear friend--your white bus, while very comfortable, does not count as an SUV.
ReplyDelete