An Open Letter to Mitt Romney
Dear Governor Romney,
You are probably glad to have put that whole "I'm-a-lifelong-hunter" flap behind you. While I thought it was kind of foolish to resume-pad like that-- next thing you'll be saying they're making you a Knight of Malta!-- I have to say I thought you handled the whole thing with grace on Leno the other night. "I was like Jed Clampet." "Little things like mice, rabbits." And that bit about how you're in trouble if you ever get cornered by a ferocious rabbit? that was good, too.
But if it's true that you have actually hunted varmints- the small annoying creatures everyone who's ever lived in the countryside hates with all his being- I want you to know I truly respect your talent. It's not easy to hit those little bitty things, especially not when theyr'e running for their lousy little lives. You have to be a good shot to kill a rodent!
One small question:
How would you feel about blowing away squirrels?
If you get elected to the White House in 2008 you'll be a busy guy. obviously. But what if it doesn't work out? What then? What are you going to do, go back to fighting for your gubernatorial life in Kennedy-ridden MA? (And how come the state is still overrun with those little rodents? Just asking.)
Which brings me to my suggestion: "Romney's Rodent Services."
i know what you're thinking; what about a slogan? How about "No Squirrel Left Behind." Or "Read My Lips: Death to the fluffy-tailed little b*stards." "Kinder, Gentler Pest Control- NOT!"
I'll work on that part.
In the meantime please think about it. I promies you I can find you plenty of work.
You are probably glad to have put that whole "I'm-a-lifelong-hunter" flap behind you. While I thought it was kind of foolish to resume-pad like that-- next thing you'll be saying they're making you a Knight of Malta!-- I have to say I thought you handled the whole thing with grace on Leno the other night. "I was like Jed Clampet." "Little things like mice, rabbits." And that bit about how you're in trouble if you ever get cornered by a ferocious rabbit? that was good, too.
But if it's true that you have actually hunted varmints- the small annoying creatures everyone who's ever lived in the countryside hates with all his being- I want you to know I truly respect your talent. It's not easy to hit those little bitty things, especially not when theyr'e running for their lousy little lives. You have to be a good shot to kill a rodent!
One small question:
How would you feel about blowing away squirrels?
If you get elected to the White House in 2008 you'll be a busy guy. obviously. But what if it doesn't work out? What then? What are you going to do, go back to fighting for your gubernatorial life in Kennedy-ridden MA? (And how come the state is still overrun with those little rodents? Just asking.)
Which brings me to my suggestion: "Romney's Rodent Services."
i know what you're thinking; what about a slogan? How about "No Squirrel Left Behind." Or "Read My Lips: Death to the fluffy-tailed little b*stards." "Kinder, Gentler Pest Control- NOT!"
I'll work on that part.
In the meantime please think about it. I promies you I can find you plenty of work.
Desperate:
ReplyDeleteIn this world where being Vegan is so common that some of them have been convicted of murder (I wonder if they will have to set up a vegan kitchen in the joint?), you'd better watch yourself.
Once all those homophobia laws get passed, I have no doubt but that "rodento-phobia" laws will be next on the agenda.
And chipmunks - nasty little lawn-grubbing chipmunks. and raccoons, and possums, and skunks, and so on and so on.......
ReplyDelete