Mormon/Evangelical Smackdown!
Hello, Iowans! Before you go to caucus and give reporters something to write about until the real primary in New Hampshire, here are a few things to ponder.
MORMONS: Hawaiian Punch.
EVANGELICALS: iced tea.
MORMONS: sacred underwear.
EVANGELICALS: profane underwear.
So far the Evangelicals are ahead.
MORMONS: no alcohol
EVANGLEICALS: no alcohol, usually.
Hm. Dead heat there.
MORMONS: Black pants, black shirts, matching bicycle helmets.
EVANGELICALS: golf clothes.
This one's up for grabs, too. Evangelicals go for preppy, Mormon missionary kids are so straight they're punk. Which makes them both stuck in the 80's.
MORMONS: Tabernacle Choir.
EVANGELICALS: Amy Grant.
I gotta give this one to the Evangelicals. Amy Grant at least did a duet with Junior Asparagus. And the Motabs' rendition of Handel's "Messiah" has got to be the dullest on record. Sorry but in DIH's book that's a big minus.
MORMONS: the Osmonds.
EVANGELICALS: the Boones.
Another dead heat.
MORMONS: the kid from "Napoleon Dynamite."
EVANGELICALS: um... no, this one just plain goes to the Mormons. I mean, come on. "I bought you a delicious bass." How can you beat that?
So there you have it, America. Focus on what's really important: It's either Hawaiian Punch and Napoleon Dynamite or iced tea and Pat Boone.
Choose wisely.
MORMONS: Hawaiian Punch.
EVANGELICALS: iced tea.
MORMONS: sacred underwear.
EVANGELICALS: profane underwear.
So far the Evangelicals are ahead.
MORMONS: no alcohol
EVANGLEICALS: no alcohol, usually.
Hm. Dead heat there.
MORMONS: Black pants, black shirts, matching bicycle helmets.
EVANGELICALS: golf clothes.
This one's up for grabs, too. Evangelicals go for preppy, Mormon missionary kids are so straight they're punk. Which makes them both stuck in the 80's.
MORMONS: Tabernacle Choir.
EVANGELICALS: Amy Grant.
I gotta give this one to the Evangelicals. Amy Grant at least did a duet with Junior Asparagus. And the Motabs' rendition of Handel's "Messiah" has got to be the dullest on record. Sorry but in DIH's book that's a big minus.
MORMONS: the Osmonds.
EVANGELICALS: the Boones.
Another dead heat.
MORMONS: the kid from "Napoleon Dynamite."
EVANGELICALS: um... no, this one just plain goes to the Mormons. I mean, come on. "I bought you a delicious bass." How can you beat that?
So there you have it, America. Focus on what's really important: It's either Hawaiian Punch and Napoleon Dynamite or iced tea and Pat Boone.
Choose wisely.
Wait.
ReplyDeleteEvangelicals "preppy"?
Preppy is '80s?
This way lies madness, DIH.
-J.
Ok, I am a pro at the Evangelical life. Being raised this my whole life until 2 yrs ago. Preppy, no! Tacky, yes, yes. For example, Tammy Faye Baker, The Gaither's, and any missionary conference across the U.S. It is scary. They are beautiful people inside, but fashion just isn't their "calling".
ReplyDeleteThanks
Darlene
What Darlene said.
ReplyDelete-J.
P.S. Preppy is timeless.