But first, what say we all take the Christmas Season Laziness Test?
Question #1. You are giving a holiday party. Do you ignore wine with corks, and buy only bottles with screw-off tops?
Question #2. On the subject of exterior lighting- do you hang lights along the roof line, or is one lighted wreath on the door enough of a statement?
Question #3. Holiday baking. Do you try out the tempting new recipes that won this year's newspaper Cookie Contest or do you stick with the same ones you've been making for years- you know, the one you can practically make in your sleep?
Question #4. On Christmas cards. Do you buy only the ones that say "Merry Christmas" and not "Happy Holidays," not just because "HH" is bs but because you don't want to have to add "Merry Christmas" in handwriting to every damn card?
If you answered "yes" to the above questions, congratulations! You are every bit as lazy as Desperate herself. This is a classy club, people. Wear your badge with pride.
The reason I bring this all up is I have received my Christmas tree. This year, for the first time, actually ordered it online.
Why, you ask? Because Desperate is done with buying the tree from the lot, bribing someone into loading it into her car, and dragging it out of the car, into the house and then spending a perilous hour trying to get the damn thing to stand up straight in the tree stand. Oh, and with cleaning al the little needles out of the car before they harden into tiny spikes and make their way to the driver's seat where they lie in wait to bite her in the butt.
No. This year, Desperate said to herself, all that fun is OVER.
Anyway I found this company online called Five Star Christmas Trees. You give them money, they bring you a tree. You give them a little more money and they'll even set it up in its stand for you. In a fraction of the time it would have taken me to do it, of course. These guys are pros.
On Monday a man showed up at my door with what looked like one of those tall, skinny cypress trees you see in Tuscan landscapes. "Give it a couple of hours," he said, "it just has to loosen up a bit."
Well. The next morning the tree was gorgeous. Full, not a bare patch anywhere, perfectly shaped, just beautiful. I was thrilled. I still am thrilled, with the tree.
The trouble is the company keeps sending me confirmation notices. "Your tree has been delivered!" I get why they do this. It's good business practice. I respect that. But as of this writing-- I am not exaggerating- FSTC has sent me over one hundred "confirmation" notices.
At first I thought it was my fault. Maybe they were waiting for a "thank you." So, I sent them an email. "Thanks for the tree, I love it, it's beautiful," yadda yadda.
"You're welcome!" they emailed back. "Enjoy your Five Star Christmas Tree!"
But that wasn't the end. Within minutes a dozen more "Your tree has arrived!" notices cropped up in my mailbox. It's like the Sorcerer's Apprentice is their IT guy or something. Now I'mnot sure what to do. I've already begged them to stop. But they are unstoppable.
Bottom line is, if you want a tree without the hassle of either lugging one home from a tree lot or dragging ye olde fake tree out of your attic, Five Star will deliver a honey of a tree. Whether or not your email program will survive the experience I can't say.
CORRECTION: I take it back. Five Star has nice trees but atrocious customer service. They screwed up the installation of the first tree, promised a second one and then just dumped it on my porch. I can't get it into the stand. So it will probably die too.