Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Hello, Georgetown? I'd Like A JD and a Box of Condoms, Please

Well, either Georgetown has lowered its standards or this girl had a friend on the acceptance committee. That's the only explanation I can think of. 'We expected our standards to be met," or whatever? Is Miss Fluke really that divorced from reality?

Sorry. Desperate just had to let off a little disbelief there.

When Miss Fluke testified before congress about how hard things were for fornicating female students at Georgetown Law Center, she said a few things that were truly moving. As in, "This moves me never to hire this chick as my lawyer." One of her fellow students, Miss Fluke said, felt "embarassed' and "powerless" when she learned her birth control was not covered by insurance. I am sure the poor girl had to flee the drugstore in tears.

Um...honey? If you take on a tax case and the IRS says "We don't think we're going to pay you," do you have another tactic up your sleeve? I mean, besides the "You hurt my feelings" gambit. Which I am told does not cut much ice with the Feds.

And the woman who feared G'towns policy, by forcing her to shell out for her own contraceptives, was going to deprive her dear old mother of the longed-for grandbabies. But I'm pretty sure it's the law degree and the ten years of postponed child-bearing that will take care of that. So yes, in a way her mother can hold Georgetown accountable for her loneliness in her old age.

You hear that, Georgetown? You hate old ladies. You heartless bounders.

So what do you think, should we take up a collection?

Buy a law student a condom today!
Do you really want them making little lawyers?

Monday, February 27, 2012

Oscars

Do forgive Desperate for not watching the Oscars last night. There were just too many more interesting things to do. Watching paint dry, for example. Contemplating the laundry pile. Pressing all the little buttons on the dishwasher just to see what would happen.

No, I didn't watch the Oscars. Come to think of it I only saw a handful of the films that were nominated. The only one I was really sure about was Best animated Picture. "Rango" was nominated. I saw "Rango." What a loser. No way would "Rango" win best animated, I thought.

Oh, well. Another prediction down the drain.

So from what I hear "Best Picture" went to a movie nobody saw , which was a pretty darn clever move on the part of the Academy if you ask me. I mean, how can anyone complain if nobody saw the picture? Now they all have to pretend they saw it, and act enigmatic if anyone asks what they think. Really, Hollywood isn't usually this smart.

Meryl Streep won Best Actress for "Iron Lady." I like Meryl Streep, but I also Like Lady Thatcher, so I skipped seeing that one, too.

But this brings up another problem. The Academy Award is for "Best Actress," but if you ask any woman who acts what she does for a living, she will reply "I'm an actor." Nobody's an "actress" any more. I think "actress" is now supposed to be demeaning, or something.

So here's my question: If a woman gets the "Best Actress" award and then goes around telling everyone she's an "actor," does she have to return her Oscar? I mean, isn't that only fair?

Or do we just chalk it up to the old somebody's-asleep-at-the-old-language-switch thing? You know, like February being "Black History Month" instead of African-American History Month, or People of Color History Month? Hmm? What about that, hmm?

Really. The insensitivity.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Jeremy Lin Should Watch His Step

The hateful hate of Jeremy Lin haters is hateful. I hate it. How dare a sports network use a phrase like "Chink in the armor" when Mr Lin is even in shouting distance? Disgraceful. Hate that.

Thank God the Asian American Journalists Association has issued some guidelines for anyone writing about Mr Lin. The guidelines include such helpful suggestions as "avoid nicknames like 'Grasshopper' " and "no cracks about Asians and driving." Journalists will still be permitted to use basketball terms like "full court press," but not if they're going to stoop to jokes about Chinese laundries and starch in the collars.

I for one feel better just knowing these guidelines are out there.

But I'm sure we'd all breathe a little easier if Mr Lin would observe a few guidelines himself. You know, just to save us from ourselves.

For example, should he decide to grow a mustache, Mr Lin should stick to the horseshoe, the handlebar or the pencil. A Fu Manchu is out of the question. It would just make trouble.

Mr. Lin should also avoid demonstrating any musical talents that involve "Piano for Beginners." A performance of "Chopsticks" would be, shall we say, awkward.

Also would he please avoid references to Pepsodent toothpaste. And don't tell me you don't know why.

Finally, if he is a fan of classic tv, would he please keep it out of his conversation. You never know when this will come up:

Thursday, February 23, 2012

The Wisdom of Chris Matthews

At a President's Day panel in Washington, D.C. the other day, newsman Chris Matthews explained the main reason people are entering the Catholic Church today: bigotry against gays. "If you're really anti-gay," he said, "you become a Catholic now."

And hasn't that always been the way, Chris? A regular haven for gay-haters, the Catholic Church is. Why, when Oscar Wilde converted on his death bed the one thing he wanted the world to know what how much he hated homosex-

Oh wait....

Okay. Screw Wilde. Look at Evelyn Waugh. Another convert who was obviously a gay-hater. The way he made the gay Anthony Blanche in "Brideshead, Revisited" the only who always told the truth no matter how ugly it was, well, that just shows how much Waugh despised---

Uh, well, um....

Tony Blair! Yeah, Tony Blair! Christopher Hitchens said that Blair only had a few homosexuals in his government. Only. A. Few. Is that proof, or what?

And Lola Falana? What, you think some straight guy designed all her costumes? Don't make me laugh. If any Catholic convert ever had a right to bear a grudge it was Lola.

And what about Vincent Price? He was a convert too, you know. Does anyone really believe Egghead hated Batman and Robin and guys in tights generally because they were crime fighters? You are sooooooo naive!

Thank you, Chris! Once again you have pointed the way to the truth. By the way- you've seen someone about the leg, right? Those tingles can be a sign of trouble to come, you know.

Hey- once again, you were the first to let us know!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Good News: Santorum Wrong! Satan Not Targeting America!

"It's absurd. It's not relevant."

In an interview earlier today Satan denied that he had targeted the United States of America as a frontrunner for an addition to his Kingdom.

"Look, Santorum gave that speech in 2008," he said. "Okay, maybe I was having thoughts in that direction back then. But this is 2012. Al Gore has his own tv network. Chris Matthews still has a job. And 'Rango' is an Oscar nominee, for you-know-who's sake. I mean come on, what more could I possibly want?"

The Prince of Darkness waved a hand at his office window. The view is truly stunning, offering glimpses of the New York skyline, the Hollywood Hills , the quaint English village of St Mary Mead and United Airlines lounge at Chicago O'Hare. "The world at my feet, and a pipsqueak like Rick Santorum thinks he can stir up trouble. Honestly."

Exactly what sort of trouble, we asked, might Mr Santorum intend to stir up?

"Oh, you know, the usual. Sanctity of human life, free exercise of religion, that kind of thing. But what's to worry? The guy's unelectable. Say it with me. 'Unelectable.'"

Well, we'd rather not--

"I said, SAY IT. Un. E. Lectable.' I've got everyone saying it. It's all the rage."

Actually, we're not here to--

"Oh, fine, have it your way." The Prince of This World sat back and yawned. :Like I said, I'm not worried. I've got things pretty much under control on Earth right now. There's no stopping me, kid! I am on my way!"

Pardon us, but isn't it true that prayer and fasting can undo even your awful deeds, Mr Satan?"

At the word "prayer," the Prince of Darkness shuddered. "Heresay," he muttered. "That-- that 'p' word. All my best people know it's all nonsense."

There's still fasting. And this is Lent, after all. Isn't this a cause for concern?"

"Honey. Who do you think invented the carbohydrate?" Satan laughed. "I'm irresistible, baby. I'm cocaine and champagne. I'm chocolate and foie gras. You ever hear of Fashion Week? I own that puppy."

Why Fashion Week?

"Let's just say I like to keep my hand in hemlines. Besides, you'd be surprised how easy it it to distract people with clothes. I can get people to make judgements you wouldn't believe based on the cut of a suit."

But Mr Santorum doesn't campaign in a suit.

"I know." Satan treated us to that infamous sly grin. "Who do you think sent him that sweater vest?"

Lent 2012

Aaaaand they're off!

Today Christians the world over mark the beginning of Lent, the 40-day peniential season that ends on Easter Sunday. And for us Catholics I do mean "mark," as we once again get our foreheads smudged with ash and are reminded this is where we're headed, too. It's a sacred season.

It's also a keenly competitive Catholic sport.

A. "So, what are you giving up for Lent?"
B. "Chocolate."

[Five points for toughness, zero for originality.]

B. "And you?"
A. "Chocolate." (thought racing) "And... Facebook. I'm staying off Facebook until Easter."

B. "Good for you!" (Damn! Quick: play the "techier than thou" card.) "I'm more of a Twitter person. I don't know how I'll make 40 days without posting a single Tweet, but that's my plan!"

[B now up by one point, for fast thinking: remembering to say "tweet" instead of "twit."]

A. "I think some people become slaves of all this social networking, don't you?"

[HA! Take that, Miss Twitterer!]

B. "Oh, I agree. In fact, I've decided to go back to old fashioned communication for Lent.'
A. "Phone calls?"
B. "Thank-you notes."

[S**t!]

B. "I'm having them made today. Embossed."
A. (Pounce! Pounce now!) "Oh, so you don't actually have them yet. But you've checked the printer's proofs, right? You'd hate to pay for any dumb mistakes."
B. (heart rate rising slightly) "I'm sure they'll be fine."

[The bell. To your corners.]


A. "Well. Have a terrific Lent."

[trans. 'you really need it.']

B. "You too. Have the greatest Lent ever."

[trans. "look who's talking."]

Wednesday, February 01, 2012

On Florida, via The Onion

I couldn't have said it better myself:

TAMPA, FL—Following a decisive win in tonight's Florida primary, presidential candidate Mitt Romney took a moment during his victory address to reflect on the current crop of Republicans vying for the party's nomination, telling the gathered crowd he "[had] to admit that, overall, it's a pretty weak field." "No question about it, you're looking at a bunch of duds," Romney said to his supporters, who grew silent as the former Massachusetts governor added that it was hard to imagine any of the GOP contenders, himself included, being president of the United States. "Republican voters have been dealt a crappy hand, and that's all there is to it. It's like the year the Democrats had Michael Dukakis and Gary Hart—maybe even worse. To be perfectly honest, our party's in a weird, transitional phase right now. We don't really know who we are, what we stand for, or what it is we're even trying to do. On the other hand, in 2016, we should be stacked: Paul Ryan, Chris Christie, Mitch Daniels. Lot of great options there. This year is garbage, though, and I sincerely apologize for that. Anyway, off to Nevada." Romney then exited the stage to zero applause, got into his car, and was driven to the airport.