Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Good News: Santorum Wrong! Satan Not Targeting America!

"It's absurd. It's not relevant."

In an interview earlier today Satan denied that he had targeted the United States of America as a frontrunner for an addition to his Kingdom.

"Look, Santorum gave that speech in 2008," he said. "Okay, maybe I was having thoughts in that direction back then. But this is 2012. Al Gore has his own tv network. Chris Matthews still has a job. And 'Rango' is an Oscar nominee, for you-know-who's sake. I mean come on, what more could I possibly want?"

The Prince of Darkness waved a hand at his office window. The view is truly stunning, offering glimpses of the New York skyline, the Hollywood Hills , the quaint English village of St Mary Mead and United Airlines lounge at Chicago O'Hare. "The world at my feet, and a pipsqueak like Rick Santorum thinks he can stir up trouble. Honestly."

Exactly what sort of trouble, we asked, might Mr Santorum intend to stir up?

"Oh, you know, the usual. Sanctity of human life, free exercise of religion, that kind of thing. But what's to worry? The guy's unelectable. Say it with me. 'Unelectable.'"

Well, we'd rather not--

"I said, SAY IT. Un. E. Lectable.' I've got everyone saying it. It's all the rage."

Actually, we're not here to--

"Oh, fine, have it your way." The Prince of This World sat back and yawned. :Like I said, I'm not worried. I've got things pretty much under control on Earth right now. There's no stopping me, kid! I am on my way!"

Pardon us, but isn't it true that prayer and fasting can undo even your awful deeds, Mr Satan?"

At the word "prayer," the Prince of Darkness shuddered. "Heresay," he muttered. "That-- that 'p' word. All my best people know it's all nonsense."

There's still fasting. And this is Lent, after all. Isn't this a cause for concern?"

"Honey. Who do you think invented the carbohydrate?" Satan laughed. "I'm irresistible, baby. I'm cocaine and champagne. I'm chocolate and foie gras. You ever hear of Fashion Week? I own that puppy."

Why Fashion Week?

"Let's just say I like to keep my hand in hemlines. Besides, you'd be surprised how easy it it to distract people with clothes. I can get people to make judgements you wouldn't believe based on the cut of a suit."

But Mr Santorum doesn't campaign in a suit.

"I know." Satan treated us to that infamous sly grin. "Who do you think sent him that sweater vest?"

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