Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Husbandspeak

Wife's translations provided.

"We have to clean out the garage."
You have to clean out the garage.

"I put a ton of money in your account."
You have sixty dollars.

"Whenever I've done the laundry, I've always matched up the socks!"
All three times.

"I'll take you out to dinner."
If you pick the restaurant (and no Indian, Thai, French, Italian, or any of that "new food" stuff), make the reservation, get a sitter, and oh yeah, bring your credit card.)

"It's on my list."
Right down the memory hole....

"I'll help you look for it."
I will peer over your shoulder commenting on the state of the closets as you look for the desired item.

"Where are my (suspenders, striped shirts, pants...)?"
Did you unpack my suitcase from that trip I took six weeks ago?

"Do you think it's time we took down the Christmas tree?'
How come you haven't taken it down yet?

6 comments:

denis said...

"I'll help you look for it."

Women of the world should start to recognise "Male eyes" as a real phenomenon. I make reference to the non-wilful myopia men experience when trying to find *anything* in a wife-organised abode, which is aggravated by the fact that seven minutes after the husband has been looking for the item, the wife huffily stomps and picks the item up off the bedside table.

My wife has contentedly realised that I simply do not see whatever she wants me to look for, no matter how deep I rummage into the drawer/closet/purse. I'm not feigning ineptitude; my eyes just don't work that way.

emma said...

Are we married to the same man???

Kim said...

No, I think she's married to my husband!!

Where did it say in the marriage vows "Husband goes to work. Wife goes to work, cleans the house, has the kids, organizes the husband, pays the bills, cleans the yard, does the laundry and takes care of everything else." And then we're suppose to pat them on the back when they once in a blue moon feed the kids...like they accomplished something.

Ryan said...

I would have to agree with denis. I have the hardest time finding anything at home. I used to think my wife hid things from me! I have now realized that if I want to find something in the house I should ask her. Yesterday morning I was looking for a reference book before heading to work. I spent 10 minutes walking from my den to the living room, back to the den, to the living room to our bedroom before she walks upstairs and looks in my den and says "its right behind your lazy boy...and to think I could have been watching fox news.

Elinor Dashwood said...

Another thing men - or at least, the men in my husband's family - can't do is pack a car. Both Cacciaguida and his father set one bag in the middle of the trunk and say, "Gee, is there room for anything else?" To be absolutely fair, my husband did this until I taught him not to. My father-in-law, a sweet man but very exasperating, still does it. I think that the other common male behavior, being supposedly unable to find a thing when they've been told exactly, precisely where to look, is feigned ineptitude, or else some mysterious neurological disability that comes over them during the wedding. I've taught all four of my sons to find things by the simple expedient of keeping them looking until they have found it. The only condition under which they're allowed to give up is an agreement that if I send someone else to look in the same place, and the someone else finds it there, that someone else is allowed to smack the one who didn't find it. I assure you, they learned very quickly to search properly, which is all it really takes. Of course, one can't exactly do this with one's husband, but at least my daughters-in-law will have no cause for complaint in that matter.

Gino said...

face it.
we men suck.
and you women still love us.
and we men are grateful for it.