Desperate Irish Housewife

Advent Kickoff

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 16:26:00 +0000

Snazzy new graphic (right) courtesy of The Curt Jester. Nice, huh?

If you don't know what an Advent wreath is or what it symbolizes there are lots of respectable Catholic blogs out there that can tell you. Somehow it just doesn't feel like DIH's place.

Look, If You Didn't Want Me To Come For the Holiday, You Could Have Just Said So

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 15:05:00 +0000

From today's NY Post:

A retiree visiting his son on Long Island for Thanksgiving got a smelly -- and nearly deadly -- surprise yesterday when a section of lawn gave way, dropping him neck-deep into a cesspool.

Eduardo Matos, 71, from Puerto Rico, fell into the sewage at around 11:30 a.m. outside his son's Deer Park home.

"I was calm . . . If you panic, that s- - - will suck you right in," he said.

Matos managed to keep his head above the muck until he was pulled out by his son and daughter.

Public Service Announcement. No, Really.

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Sun, 29 Nov 2009 20:07:00 +0000

Some months ago I decided to become hipper. So I set up a Facebook page.

The page immediately picked up a virus. It has been posting all sorts of weird stuff.

I have contacted Facebook; they assure me the account is cancelled; Nevertheless I am still getting angry emails from Facebookers telling me to stop cluttering up their mailbox with "The Truth About Acai" and such.

Short of raiding the Facebook offices I dont' know what else to do about this.

If anyone has any bright ideas, I'm all ears.

Hide The Decline!

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 18:52:00 +0000

The Only Holiday Cooking Post You'll Ever Need

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 14:45:00 +0000

This time of year we are inundated with holiday cooking posts. Bloggers far more experienced and clever than DIH are happy to tell us all their culinary secrets: what makes Grandma's turkey so special (see previous post for the low-down on that), whose traditional family recipe for cranberry sauce is best, why the look of joy on the little children's faces brings tears to Mother's eyes when she serves up that hideous concoction of yams and marshmallows (let me just say here and now: YECH!).

DIH, on the other hand, has found the answer to true holiday dinner bliss for everyone. Ans being the generous sort she is she's going to share her cooking secret with you:

Don't.

Don't cook. Don't thaw, brine and roast the turkey, don't peel and parboil the potatoes, don't roll out so much as an inch of pie crust. And for God's sake don't do that yams-and-marshmallows thing.

For the past two years DIH has called the local snooty grocery store a week before thanksgiving. She then gives them a credit card number. Then the day before Thanksgiving she drives over to said snooty store and picks up a cardboard carton, plus an large unwieldy shopping bag. The unwieldy bag contains her turkey, cold but fully cooked. The carton contains everything else: masked potatoes, stuffing, green bean casserole- which she never tried before but actually kind of likes-- and some cranberry sauce. Plus a handful of dinner rolls.

I can hear some of you now. "Sybarite!" "Spendthrift!"

As to point #2, the whole shebang costs 99 bucks. That is considerably less than she would spend if she went to Costco with the intention of putting the Thanksgiving feast together.

As to point #1, you betcha. When other moms are running themselves ragged in the kitchen DIH is happily sitting with her feel up, sipping a Bloody Mary and watching the Macy's parade. Beat that, do-it-yourselfers.

You do have to do some work, of course. Preheat the oven, stick the various pans into it at the right time so everything is done at once.

But the food was great, with the added benefit of DIH not having on her conscience the knowledge of how much butter went into every dish. (Except the potatoes. They stick about a pound of unmelted butter on the top of the potatoes. You're supposed to stir it in when the potatoes are ready. Hey, who am I to argue with a professional chef?)

So that's my recipe for a Happy Thanksgiving. I cant' wait to see what I can get for 99 bucks at Christmas.

Now That's What I Call A Happy Thanksgiving!

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:20:00 +0000

Another Item For Your Gift List

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 13:28:00 +0000

From today's LA Times:

Twitter-equipped bathroom scale tells the world how much you weigh
November 10, 2009 |

The most embarrassing new tech product of the year just got more embarrassing.

[You've heard] about the Wi-Fi Body Scale, the first bathroom scale equipped with a wireless connection to send your weight and body fat information directly to your Web page and iPhone.

But weight, there's more.

Today the French company behind the scale, Withings, announced it has added Twitter capability to the scale, enabling the user to automatically tweet the weight/fat info to followers.

In a news release, Withings declared the Twitter function would be a great help to users, "further motivating them by sharing their progress with followers."

The Search Is Over!

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 14:34:00 +0000

Looking for the perfect gift this holiday season? Look no further. Here it is.

"Dear Angela- Um, about next week...."

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 22:48:00 +0000

"President Barack Obama has RSVPed “nein” to Chancellor Merkel’s invitation to Germany to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. " -NRO

FROM: Barack Obama
The White House
Washington, D. C.

Dear Prime Minister Merkel,

Thanks for the invitation to observe the anniversary next week. Gosh, it was just so sweet of you to think of me! But I just can't make it this time. It's tough, you know, what with the health care thing going on here, plus the fact that I don't speak Berlinian- what if I got lost on my way from the airport? Who would I ask for directions?

Besides, you just know Michelle would absolutely insist on bringing a gift. And no offense, Angie, but you're a little hard to shop for these days. Sure, back when the Wall was still up I could have just grabbed some cigarettes or toilet paper and you would have been thrilled, am I right? But now, well, I'd probably have to compete with whatever the Brits are bringing. And trust me,they give some snooty gifts. On the bright side, you can sell them on eBay. Maybe even swap 'em for some decent earrings. (Oops- I shouldn't have let that slip. Be a pal and don't tell Michelle!)

Besides, the girls are in school that day. And you know I could never leave them out of such a historic occasion. It's either piss you off or piss off the powers that be at Sidwell Friends, and frankly that school is costing me WAAAY too much to risk not having the entire faculty on my side, just in case of, you know, a problem or something. You have no idea about Quakers, they can really go for the jugular if the mood strikes them.

So, anyway. Have fun observing the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin wall. I'm sure it'll be, um, historic. Will the ceremony be conducted in East Berlinian or West Berlinian? Just curious- I like to toss off little factiods at the dinner table.

Your friend,

Barack Obama

Once Again the Japanese Offer An Improvement

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 14:19:00 +0000

Thursday was Global Handwashing Day. Am I the only one who missed it?

Oh well. Thank God for the Japanese. Here's a helpful video.

California: One Sinking Ship The Rats Will Not Leave

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 22:55:00 +0000

From today's LA Times:

L.A., Beverly Hills move to ban declawing of cats
November 6, 2009 | 1:31 pm

"The Los Angeles City Council, in a preliminary action, voted unanimously today to ban the controversial practice of declawing cats, which council members described as unnecessary and abject animal cruelty.

The vote was also a repudiation of the state Legislature, which earlier this year voted to bar local governments from banning the procedure beginning Jan. 1.

"I don't think we should allow people at the state level to dictate to us our local actions," said Councilman Paul Koretz, who sponsored the ordinance.
Said Councilman Bill Rosendahl, who owns three cats: "The bottom line is, you take the claws out of a cat, you take away the cat."

The council is scheduled to take a final vote on the ordinance Nov. 17.
The Beverly Hills City Council unanimously approved a similar ordinance Thursday night. A final vote in that city also is expected Nov. 17."

Election Commentary

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 14:23:00 +0000

Sick Days

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 17:01:00 +0000

"Mom? Moooommmmyy?"

"Mph?"

"My tummy hurts."

If your "parenting style" is anything like mine, this is a line that makes you want to tear your hair out.
It tells you nothing useful, like a fever does. "Fever! Bingo! You're sick, get the Motrin, you'll be fine in no time!"

It sounds so miserable, and you know there's next to nothing you can do about it. Sure, you can ply the kid with ginger ale and chicken broth, but you wonder how long before the child figures out you're just playing guessing games here.

It even rouses your suspicions. A 'tummy ache?' Is this about your child's actual physical health, or are we talking 'I don't want to go to school'? And how big a heel does it make you out to be if you decide the kid is faking and you turn out to be wrong?

A few weeks ago we saw the doctor about a tummy ache. After hinting that it was probably all my fault ("this could be a behavioral issue, the child responding to parental anxiety"), the doc concluded, "Kids get tummy aches. Like adults get headaches. It's just one of those things." Which was very helpful.

DIH does not like "tummy aches." She probably enjoys them even less than the little girl who is currently languishing on the sofa behind me. We are going to see the pediatrician this afternoon, and hope this time we get some answers.

Dog Haiku Tuesday

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 14:12:00 +0000

Oh to be a lab
And go on shedding one's hair
Yet never go bald

Hate Crime!

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 15:57:00 +0000

Yesterday President Obama signed the newest anti-hate crime bill into law.

The Washington Post explains, "The legislation extends provisions first passed in 1968 that make it a federal crime to target individuals because of their race, religion or national origin."

Hm. "National origin."

In light of the new law DIH feels it her patriotic duty to report the Minneapolis Star Tribune as a suspected hate criminal. The evidence is plain as day, in today's paper.

To wit:

"A star-studded version of the holiday classic was announced, then canceled, at Minneapolis' Orpheum Theatre. The production, with F. Murray Abraham billed to star as Scrooge and James Garner narrating as Charles Dickens, was to have run in mid-December... But the Minneapolis engagement was scotched when producer Kevin Von Feldt could not come up with the second deposit to secure the venue."

I know sensitive readers are as appalled as I was. But as the fellow said, the only thing necessary for evil to prosper is for good bloggers to do nothing.

So I'll say it. I'll say what everyone else is afraid to say:

"Scotched"?

Yes, you read that right. It's right there in the entertainment section. "Scotched." Used here to mean dumped, torpedoed, screwed up beyond redemption, all f'ed up.

Honestly, DIH is still trying to recover from her shock. But in the meantime I put out some feelers to local leaders of the Scottish-American community to get their reactions.

Drew Laird of the Braveheart Single Malt and Rugby Club in St. Louis Park was the first to respond. "Cursed be the Strib's grandchildren," he spat. "The Scots gave this country the finest whisky known to man. And Andrew Carnegie, to boot. Every schoolchild knows that one. 'How do you get to Carnegie Hall?' 'Practice!'It's part of the fabric of American humor."

Mungo Dirk of the West Southdale Country Club agreed. "Scottish Americans have more than done their part to build the Twin Cities. We don't deserve this kind of disrespect from the Strib."

DIH pointed out that Minnesota is generally considered more culturally Nordic than Celtic. "That's just the problem," Mungo said. "Minnesotans love to golf. I see more pathetic Norwegian golfers in my job than you can shake a gnarled stick at, but do I kick 'em off my course? Certainly not. I'd never say no to that kind of money."

DIH then directed Mungo to the nearest dictionary. "Look- here it is, 'scotch; to hinder or prevent. Synonyms are thwart, frustrate, spoil, baffle, and--- and--"

I could not suppress a gasp.

Oh.
My.
GOD.

"I believe the word you're looking for is 'queer,'" said TrueMan Kapote of the Twin Cities Lesbian and Gay Lingua Alliance. "Yes, we hear it all the time. So and so 'queered' a deal, and so on." He sighed. "And you know, I think that could be the saddest part of all this. Everyone knows 'scotch' is a code word for 'queer.' So much for linguistic respect from our journalists."

"Wait." DIH reached for her trusty OED. "Look- here's an etymology. It says the word 'scotch' comes from the Middle English 'scocchen'- to cut.'"

TrueMan rolled his eyes. "Honey," he sighed, "if you believe anyone at the Strib owns an Oxford English Dictionary, you'll believe anything."

A Little Help Here?

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Thu, 21 May 2009 12:51:00 +0000

OK, somebody explain this to me.

President Obama is about to set new emissions standards for American cars. SUVs and big vehicles will become obsolete, and everyone will have to drive around in those stupid little "smart" cars.

Enviromental types cheer. We're saved!

On the other hand:

The Minnesota state legislature just voted to make booster seats mandatory for all children up to age 8.

I believe the number of booster seats you can fit into a "smart" car is zero. DIH drives a Subaru Outback and she can do three, tops.

This means:

In Minnesota at least, entire fleets of "smart" cars will be required to transport one soccer team to practice.

Which means at best a break-even scenario on that plan to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. Plus ticking off anyone over 5'2" who has to cram himself into a "smart" car. And believe me, this is a tall state (not enough Italians in the gene pool, I guess).

Result: more pollution, more ticked-off drivers, more cranky kids who resent being treated like their baby brothers as they are strapped into booster seats. More tempers flaring on the soccer field. More irate parents getting in the coach's face, more kids "accidentally" cleating each other...

Oh, dear. The Beautiful Game is about to get very ugly.

Thank you, DFLers!

Best Wishes, Graduates!

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Tue, 19 May 2009 22:12:00 +0000

Joe Biden gave the commencement address at Wake Forest University yesterday. I'm telling you, the man knows how to win friends [h/t THe Corner]:

"I believe so strongly, as you may recall when I was here in October, not in you particularly but your generation, that I don’t have a single doubt in my mind we’re on the cusp not only of a new century but a new day for this country and the world."

The Vice President continued:

"Not in you particularly, because hey, let's face it, I'm at- where am I? Wake Forest? Where the hell is Wake Forest? Seriously, you're like, the rejects from Chapel Hill, right? Or maybe Duke. Duke, there's a good school. Too bad you guys didn't get in there. Oh well. Like I said, there are other people in your generation besides you people, which is a damn good thing in my opinion, since if there were only you lot we'd be completely screwed. Hey, Happy Graduation, losers!"

And remember, we just could not have Sarah Palin for VP. Not smart enough.

Hard Times at the MOA

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Tue, 19 May 2009 21:52:00 +0000

Yesterday my daughter and I went to the Mall of America, the largest shopping mall on Planet Earth and a Minnesota landmark. This is a big deal, as DIH a) is too cheap to pay full retail for anything and b) cannot stand the Mall of America.

This last probably warrants some explanation.

If there is anyone outside the Twin Cities reading this, I bet there are some things you didn't know about the MOA. For instance. Did you know the Mall of America is home to the largest underground aquarium in the world?

And did you know that having an aquarium in your basement makes your whole mall smell like a swimming pool?

If you're ever in the MOA and you order a diet Coke from some little stand, you will note it carries a faint taste of chlorine. (Note to self: next time say "no ice.")

Usually there are large groups of Japanese tourists milling about. shopping for all they're worth. Yesterday I saw exactly one Japanese person. She was wearing a surgical mask. I thought it was to deal with the chlorine smell. Then I remembered: swine flu.

Sophia and I were looking for shoes. Geoxx shoes, for her. They're expensive shoes, but we figured it being so near the end of the season maybe we'd catch a clearance sale.
There was no clearance sale at the Geoxx store. But as soon as she saw we were about to leave, the young woman behind the counter offered us 25% off on anything in the store.

For a while there yesterday I felt good about the recession.

Rock On, Carrie Prejean!

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Wed, 13 May 2009 01:23:00 +0000

Visit msnbc.com for Breaking News, World News, and News about the Economy

A Little Sympathy, Please

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Tue, 12 May 2009 02:03:00 +0000

..for President Barack Obama. He had to sit on that dais last night pretending he thought Wanda Sykes was funny. How many people do you know who could do that?

Or maybe he wasn't pretending. Maybe he really does think Ms. Sykes, whose outstanding performance as the voice of the cross-specie-ing skunk in "Open Season" will go down in the history of great skunk performances, actually is worth a laugh or two. Hey, he married a woman who thinks it's smart to spend $540 on a pair of sneakers. It's possible.

Anyway. It's been said but DIH will say it again: Wanda Sykes, outspoken lesbian, did a great job of sucking up to the man who said he's against same sex marriage. Hip hip hooray. Maybe she'll put in a good word for Carrie Prejean, who only echoed the President's feelings.

Good Advice

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Sat, 09 May 2009 13:42:00 +0000

DIH has been browsing again. And she came across "100 Little Tips to Help You Live to 100."

This list sure is helpful. Drink more water, take a vitamin pill, don't forget your fiber- can't argue with that, can you?--eat your fruits and vegetables. Just like Mom always told you.

The farther you go down the list, though, the more problematic "living to 100" gets. Take tip #27: "Sweep and vacuum the entire house every other day." If you have to do both, you either need a new vacuum or a new set of kids. Take your pick.

#30: "Turn on some music and dance. No one is watching." Oh yes, they are. Remember that.

#44: "Avoid lingering in large groups of people in cold and flu season." Best achieved by hiding under your bed from September to June.

The real recipe for disaster, of course, is found under the "mental health " tips. Someone tell me how you can do all these at once:

#62: "Spend more time with your family."
and
#76: "Surround yourself with only good people who have your best interests at heart."
Clearly these people have never met my family.

Or
#85: "Adopt a mantra that will brighten your mood"
and
#86 "Stop worrying about what other people think of you."
Especially if you go around chanting a mantra to yourself at the supermarket.

I like #93: "Don't live in an area known for extreme weather or earthquakes." I'm trying to think of such a place. Hawaii comes to mind, but they have tidal waves and volcanoes. Italy, earthquakes. Ireland, rains all the time. And most places have winter.

Looks like I'm screwed.

This Morning's Belly Laugh

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Wed, 06 May 2009 12:11:00 +0000

MSNBC Not Only Gushingly Covers Obama's *Lunch Order* (He's So Human! He Eats Hamburgers!), but They Cover Up His Order of Dijon Mustard- Ace

(See www.ace.mu.nu for more)

I love Ace of Spades.

Dom Deluise RIP

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Wed, 06 May 2009 01:15:00 +0000

I've been trolling YouTube but I can't find my favorite Dom Deluise memories. The time he told the story about how when he was a child he accidentally wiped the painted face off the Baby Jesus in his mother's Nativity set. How he convinced Kermit the Frog to go to Hollywood.

I've been making Dom's "Mamma's Meat Sauce" for years, from his cookbook "Eat This, It'll Make You Feel Better." Also "Mamma's Marinara Sauce." They're both fantastic.

I never had the nerve, though, to attempt "Mamma's Sunday Sauce." The one that takes 10 Italian sausages, 6 pork spareribs, 20 meatballs and a braciole. Plus another pound of pork.

But now, I feel I should give it a try. In Dom's memory.

He made me laugh, man.

On Buzzing Lower Manhattan

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 15:13:00 +0000

..as Air Force One did the other day.

As the powers that be go on dickering about what would constitute a proper memorial for the World Trade Center, destroyed by Islamic terrorists eight years ago, let us reflect on one simple fact: There is nothing New York cannot handle with the help of its citizens and a few strategically place anti-aircraft guns.

On the top deck of the new Trade Center, for example. Also on the Chrysler Building. And let's not forget the Empire State Building. Somebody's got to protect midtown.

Do we really wonder if AF-1 would have gone for that unannounced photo-op if Manhatten were properly outfitted?

Times like this, it pays to remember some of the great moments from "Casablanca."

MAJOR STRASSER: Are you one of the people who cannot imagine the Germans in their beloved Paris?

RICK: It's not particularly my beloved Paris.

HERR HEINZE: What about London?

RICK: When you get there, ask me.

STRASSER: What about New York?

RICK: There are certain sections of New York, Major, that I wouldn't advise you to try to invade.

Somebody read that to whoever authorized that idiotic photo op.

UND Update

noreply@blogger.com (Sue) — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 02:08:00 +0000

h/t American Papist:

Statement by Father John Jenkins on the Laetare Medal

The following statement from Rev. John I. Jenkins, C.S.C., president of the University of Notre Dame, is in response to the decision by Mary Ann Glendon to decline acceptance of the University’s Laetare Medal:

“We are, of course, disappointed that Professor Glendon has made this decision. It is our intention to award the Laetare Medal to another deserving recipient, and we will make that announcement as soon as possible.” (University of Notre Dame Office of News & Information)

The following statement was issued immediately thereafter by Desperate Irish Housewife:

"OK, OK. I'll take the medal. It must be worth something melted down. And since it looks like Father Jenkins has already done that..."