Friday, February 28, 2014

How Cold Is It?

Yesterday at the gym.  A young woman was using a hairdryer to warm up her running shoes.  "I left them in the car overnight.  They froze."
 It's getting tougher to find a spot in the steam room.  Ditto for the sauna.
Two days of trash piled up in my garage because my trashcans were frozen shut.
My nose doesn't run in the cold any more. It can't. 
Every time I drive my kid to school in minus-teen temps I congratulate myself for not bursting into tears.
Wearing mismatched gloves no longer bothers me. I'll take anything.
I have actually read every single "Last Minute Getaways"  in my mailbox.
I have absolutely no interest in seeing the Oscar-nominated "Frozen."


Thursday, February 27, 2014

It's Raffle Time Again!

Every October, Our Lady of Peace Through Strength grammar school holds a fundraiser,  It's a marathon. The kids pledge to trot around a small lake, we pledge to pay them.
Every year we are told. "And remember-- this is the only fundraiser we have!"

Then in February every kid comes home with a pile of raffle tickets.  At five bucks a pop, every kid is expected to sell at least 80 tickets.

Somehow this doesn't count as a fundraiser. 

Having no family for a thousand miles to unload them on, my daughter looks to me to buy them.  Four hundred bucks.  Best of all, I get to fill out all the stubs by hand.  It takes days.

The grand prize for the raffle is a car.  Now, I could certainly use a new car.  The old '02 Subaru is starting to feel her age.

So last night I took pen in hand and starting filling out raffle tickets.

How do you  know you're a Catholic when you're filling out 80 raffle ticket stubs?  If your thoughts run this kind of course:

Tickets 1-10:  Hey, what am I complaining about?  I could win a car!  I'd love to win a car!  I can see myself pullling into the carpool line now, dazzling the other moms with my shiny new car glory!

Tickets 11-20:  I probably won't win, though.  I didnt' win last year. Or the year before that, or the year before that....

Tickets 21-30:  Besides, I don't really need a new car yet.  And think of all the people who really need one.

Tickets 31-40:  Those poor people!  What was I thinking?  They need to win, not me... Oh, dear God, Avarice must be my middle name....

Tickets 41-50:  I am a terrible person. 

Tickets 51-60:  My hand hurts.

Tickets 61-70:  My hand really hurts.  Fine, I'll offer it up for the souls in Purgatory.  Who better remember what I did for them, because this is a major pain in the neck and four hundred dollars is a major chunk of change!  The things I do for the Purgatorians.  And what have they done for me lately?  Hey guys, here's an idea-- why don't you see if you can help me win a new car?

Tickets 71-80:  BECAUSE I WANT THAT CAR, DAMMIT.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Winter Olympics

Plough and Shovel Side-by-Side.  The intrepid woman who shovels her walk every snowstorm is matched against the b*stards next door who hire a guy with a plough.  The plough, by virtue of its superior horsepower, attempts to leave a barrier of solid ice and snow just over the intrepid shoveller's property line.  The shoveller, by virtue of her ferocious chihuahua companion, attempts to scare the plough off before he can do so.  (Odds heavily in favor of the plough.)

Milk Dash.  Contestants vie to buy the last gallon of milk from the convenience store.  Disqulaifiers include payment by check, Slurpee spills, and hoodies.

Redbox Relay.  One of our favorites.  Contestants try to keep a steady supply of halfway decent rented movies in the house until the storm subsides.  Bonus points if you actually return the films.

Citation Sweep.  Who can collect the highest number of city-issued tickets for failure to keep his sidewalk sufficiently clear?  Who gets the prize for Snow Emergency Route violations?  Who gets no tickets at all?  All members of the last category automatically disqulaified, as they are obviously cheating.

(Youth Division)  Snowbank Tongue.  See who can keep his tongue stuck in a schoolyard snowbank longest.  Contest ends when Latin teacher sneaks up from behind and shoves students' heads into snow.


Wednesday, February 05, 2014

Boycott Girl Scout Cookies

A number pf pro-life groups have announced their intention to boycott the annual Girl Scout Cookie drive.  Since the Girl Scouts are now officially in bed with Planned Parenthood, this only makes sense.

But what about the other groups who should be boycotting the GSCs?  Where are their voices?

You may be wondering who these other folks are.  It's very simple:

ANYONE WHO ACTUALLY  LIKES COOKIES.

Have you eaten a Girl Scout cookie in the last ten years?  Dry.  Boring.  Tasteless.  Mint Thins?  Don't make me laugh.  You get a mintier experience out of toothpaste.  Tastier, too.

"Samoas."  Oh yeah, right.  Throw in a couple of flakes of coconut and suddenly you're in Polynesia.  It's a joke. Not to mention an insult to Samoans everywhere.

The butter cookies might still be okay.  Not that there's much-- or any- real butter in them.

All in all, even compared to your average storebought cookie, the Girl Scout products are the worst. 

Do you love cookies?  Then stand up for them!  Stand up for cookies!  Mix up a batch of Toll House, or buy a box of Oreos.  Tell the Girl Scouts of America you've had it with tasteless treats that people only buy because they feel guilty about not helping the Brownies.  Tell them you're not going to be pushed around any more!  No more Girl Scout cookies!

Until they at least LEARN HOW TO BAKE, damn it!


Monday, February 03, 2014

Philip Seymour Hoffman

What a tragedy.  Rest in peace, Philip.

A great, moving speech from "Almost Famous."