"I'm confused," says probationary sergeant Michael Fox of the New York City Police Department. "My lieutenant says I'm 'not a real cop' if I don't, and I quote, 'lay hands on people.' Lay hands on people? What is he trying to do, get me sued? That's all I need!"
"As police officers we commonly have to lay our hands on people," says another cop who prefers to remain anonymous. "I can't tell you the number of body parts I've grabbed in my career. But Mike-- well, geez. Where can he grab a guy and not get sued for sexual harassment? Or worse?"
"You grab a hand here, a waistline there, maybe sometimes a little farther south," said another anonymous officer. "For most of us cops it's just routine. But what if poor Mike had to grab a perp by the nether regions? Some slimy lawyer could bankrupt the whole city!"
"Our brother officer clearly has the best interests of the Department at heart," said another source. "My son is in kindergarten, and believe you me the first thing they're taught is 'keep your hands to yourself.' You know that book, 'Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten?' Mike's a guy who has mastered the technique. That shows real maturity!"
It has never been easy to be a police officer. It has never been easy to be a minority cop. We must all be sensitive to the issue. And now let us reflect on the lessons of the day.