Monday, April 30, 2012

Bin Laden' s Anniversary!

This clip cracks me up every time.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Gay NYPD Officer "Confused," "Conflicted"

"I'm confused," says probationary sergeant Michael Fox of the New York City Police Department. "My lieutenant says I'm 'not a real cop' if I don't, and I quote, 'lay hands on people.' Lay hands on people? What is he trying to do, get me sued? That's all I need!"

"As police officers we commonly have to lay our hands on people," says another cop who prefers to remain anonymous. "I can't tell you the number of body parts I've grabbed in my career. But Mike-- well, geez. Where can he grab a guy and not get sued for sexual harassment? Or worse?"

"You grab a hand here, a waistline there, maybe sometimes a little farther south," said another anonymous officer. "For most of us cops it's just routine. But what if poor Mike had to grab a perp by the nether regions? Some slimy lawyer could bankrupt the whole city!"

"Our brother officer clearly has the best interests of the Department at heart," said another source. "My son is in kindergarten, and believe you me the first thing they're taught is 'keep your hands to yourself.' You know that book, 'Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten?' Mike's a guy who has mastered the technique. That shows real maturity!"

It has never been easy to be a police officer. It has never been easy to be a minority cop. We must all be sensitive to the issue. And now let us reflect on the lessons of the day.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Pray for Bo

Lifted from Ace of Spades HQ.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Zyrtec: Curse or Menace?

Welcome spring, or as we highly allergic to pollen types call it, Zombie Season.

This is the time of year when blossoms appear on the trees. bright green grasses begin to poke their way out of the soil, and yours truly stocks up on tissues, Zyrtec, and those anti-itching eyedrop things. Each of which represents a mixed blessing.

Especially Zyrtec. In Zombie Season I have basically two choices: I can a) not take the Zyrtec, die from lack of oxygen or b) take the Zyrtec and live, but only if you call slouching around in a perpetual fog "living."

The fog is made worse by the sudden attacks of falling asleep on one's feet. And the falling asleep is made worse by the psychotic nightmares I get whenever I take one of these anti-allergy drugs.

And I mean, totally psycho. Axe murderers, serial killers, retellings of the John Barleycorn legend. (Those are the worst.) I wonder if Alfred Hitchcock had springtime allergies. I bet he did.

Anyway, if you happen to bump into me on the street and I have a certain glazed look, at least know you know why. It's nothing personal. It's pollen.

I should have that made into a tee shirt.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Questions No One is Asking About Obama's Dog- Eating

1. How many carbs are in a dog? Does it vary by breed?

2. Couldn't he just have stuck with tofu? Same appeal.

3. Bone-in or boneless? Hey, it makes a difference in pork chops.

4. When Obama says "I have a bone to pick with you," does everybody run for cover?

5. Was dessert a dog biscuit? (only if you're English.)

6. Did he have the traditional Yule Dog last Christmas?

7. Is this the perfect dinner music, or what? (youmay have to watch an ad first)