Tuesday, January 31, 2012


Ah, Florida Primary Day. Fifty delegates in the Sunshine State up for grabs. You know it's been a long time since the last primary when you have to look up how many delegates the winner gets. Really, it's been what, ten days? Seems like ages. Sure, there's another one later in the week, but come on. Maine? As Maine goes. so goes Vermont. 'Nuf said.

Politics aside this week is a big one in the Desperate household. Yesterday marked our first day of home schooling. Yes! We have joined the ranks. To be quite honest yesterday was one long jittery day (damn online programs), but we look forward to steady improvement.

So now for our new theme song. Thank you, Tim Hawkins!

Monday, January 30, 2012

Who Is Buck Denver and Why Won't He Leave Me Alone?

Dear Phil Vischer,

Before I say anything else I want you to know: I was a huge fan of Veggie Tales. I was a proto-fan of Veggie Tales. I bought the first DVDs back when you could only get them in little Christian tchachke shops and anyone wearing a Miraculous Medal got funny looks from the kids behind the counter.

And I spread the Veggie word. I introduced my niece and nephews to VT. I gave VT videos as birthday presents. I wanted the world to know about Bob and Larry.

Well, we all know how the Veggies turned out. Or we know as much as we can know, from your book on the subject. "Bob and Larry and Me?' Was that the title? I couldn't find my copy just now to check.

It was a shame, Phil. And I feel four you.

But none of this means I am willing to put up with Buck Denver turning up on every damn web page I open.

[Readers: Buck Denver is a puppet. He stars in a new series by Mr. Vischer that introduced kids to the Bible. He is the dullest looking puppet you've ever seen, devoid of personality. He would never make it as a Muppet.]

I know, I know. You want me to buy the series. But I'm sorry, Phil. I'm just not inspired to buy it. It doesn't grab me. The problem is Buck. He looks so dull. You know what he looks like? A Mormon elder, only with a jacket on. Could he be any duller?

Put it this way: he's no Larry the Cucumber. And t doesn't help that he turns up on every web page. He's not only dull, he's pushy. I hate pushy. Larry the Cucumber was never pushy. Okay, Bob the Tomato was, sometimes, But he had Larry to put him in his place. Who does Buck have? No one I've seen so far.

So please, Phil, take you ads out of my life. When I want to read Instapundit I want Instapundit, not Buck Denver. And shoving him down my throat like this is not going to change my mind.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

This Just In

My piece on today's Marriage Matters blog, from the Minnesota Catholic Conference. Amazing the things you learn when you're doing research for a mystery!


Thursday, January 19, 2012

Newt Thoughts

If you are not a P.G. Wodehouse fan you are probably not reading this blog.

Newt News

So tonight ABC News is planning to air an interview with Newt Gingrich's "bitter" ex-wife with the hope that it will totally derail Newt's campaign.

Apparently the former Mrs.G has been claiming since 1995 that she could "torpedo" any chance of a Gingrich White House with "a single interview." The couple divorced in 1999.

I'm not sure how many men could put up with four years of "I will destroy you, sweetheart."

J.R. and Sue Ellen came close, I guess. Then of course there's Bill and Hillary, and Ted Kennedy and-- well, just about anyone, really. I understand Thomas Jefferson got around a bit, too. Yes, our political history is littered with sterling examples of marital fidelity.

Honestly I'm not sure what to make of all this. Mitt Romney is by all accounts an exemplary family man. On the other hand, a Mormon who will cave on abortion will cave on anything.

The "pick your poison" moment is early this year.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

More Mormon Laughs

No, really. This is hilarious. I love this movie.

Note Mormon's resemblance to Bobby Hill.

Mitt Takes New Hampshire

To no one's surprise, Mitt Romney won the New Hampshire primary last night. Although I was a little surprised by the size of his win. Nearly 40 per cent? Yikes.

I wish I could say I like Mitt Romney. I want to like him. But I can't , not yet any way. I mean, think about it. A Mormon who will waffle on abortion? What next, double espressos? Really, you have to wonder where exactly does this guy stand?

While we all ponder that one, here's some more food for Mormon thought. This is one of the funniest films I have ever seen.

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

Eight is an Odd Number

Oh yes it is.

"Romney Wins Iowa Caucus by Eight Votes."

Eight votes? Are you kidding me? Not some death-defying one or two? No mystical seven or twelve? And what ever happened to 13?

All right, so Iowa's a small state. Not a lot of voters. They probably counted each other while standing in line. But eight votes, come on. What did they do, call in the Hawks Women's Volleyball team? "We need two more from the bench!" Maybe they called on the services of the mighty Iowa Writers' Workshop. "Four novelists, two biographers and a couple of memoirists! Let's go, people!"

I don't know. If this is the way it's going to be then this election cycle is going to make Hillary V. Barry look like a sweep. And we all remember how looooooong that one took.

Fine. On to New Hampshire. Hoping for improvement.

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Maybe This Will Help

If any of my readers are wondering "what the heck is an Iowa Caucus anyway?" I like the "Native American" part. It's homey.

Happy Iowa Caucus Day

I am trying to decide how our little family will observe the Feast of the Iowa Caucus. I thought about making an Iowa-themed dinner, but all the state fairs are closed for takeout and corndogs just don't seem special enough. Although corndogs do combine corn meal and pig meat, which I understand are the national dishes of Iowa. So I'll keep them on the list.

Then of course there's Greek food. The Greeks invented democracy. I don't think they ever envisioned the caucuses starting in January and the election not until freakin' November, but still one must give credit where credit is due. So -- pastitsio? Gyros?

On the other hand, represented as it does the starting pistol of one long, long haul of campaign mailings, robocalls, and more than enough hot air to relaunch the Hindenburg, maybe the slow cooker is the most fitting approach.

It's important to celebrate the start of the campaign season. Because it won't be long before we're so sick of it all that we'll all have lost our appetites.