WASHINGTON- A panel of clinicians, psychoanalysts and other authorities has recommended that health plans cover a broad range of sunblocks, sunscreens and parasols for nudists without copayments.
The IONA/ON, or Institute of Nudists and/or Naturalists, has recommended that American nudists be provided with the protection their situation requires.
"Nudism is a natural state and as such involves certain health risks," says Dr. Marie "Buffy" Jacobs, president of the Gypsy Rose Lee Federation of Naturalists. "Skin cancer is a big risk. And windburn? Have you ever had a really bad windburn? Ay yi yi."
"Nudists are protected by the Constitution just like everyone else," says Dr. Sigmund Sigfried of the IONA/A. "And heaven knows they've had enough harassment from those pesky 'right to privacy' people. In case no one's noticed the Constitution also protects the right to self-expression. Somewhere. I'm like totally sure."
In addition to various skincare products, the IONA/ON plan also recommends the institution of nationwide network of hedges and other protective cover. "People see a couple of naked guys in the bushes and they make, well, certain assumptions," says Dr. Sigfried. "We want to dispel the notion that all naked people crawling around int the greenery are looking for spare change and returnable bottles. Some of us are just taking a break. You know?"
Dr. Jacobs said she would not rest until nudists are given the free health care they deserve. "I let public pressure force me into clothes for years," she declared. "They day I decided I would no longer allow my essence to be obscured was the greatest day of my life. Also the chilliest, as I recall, but that's normal at first. It's a cold world out there."
The panel said it would consider recommending portable personal heaters, paid for by the taxpayers, in the near future.