Friday, December 04, 2009

A Mystery Solved, I Think

Lately I've been having a string of nightmares. The nightmare, in fact. You know the one I'm talking about (and no, it's not the naked one). It's that dream where you're back in college, and you walk into a room to take an exam. All of a sudden you realize: You can't take this exam-- you skipped all the classes! And all the reading! You're screwed!

You feel the panic rising in your chest. Then you remember: hey, how do you think I got into college in the first place? That's right, I can b.s. like nobody's business. I can bluff my way through this exam. Problem solved!

Then they hand out the papers. And you realize b.s. won't work this time. Because it's a science test. And you can't b.s. science. You can't. You actually have to know stuff.

At this point DIH usually wakes up in a cold sweat.

This morning, however, the cold light of dawn (well actually it's still dark here in Minnesota until about 10 am, but the metaphor still holds I think) brought a whole new light to bear on this classic dream.

Maybe you can b.s. your way through a college science exam. Look at the Climategate crew. Everything you need to learn about faking it is right there.

Incomplete data. Faulty- no, let's call them daring- computer models. Stacked juries, rigged "peer reviews." And to give the whole thing real scientific authenticity, get a few gorgeous Hollywood stars to speak up for you. Actors know everything about b.s. That's how they make their living. There's gold in them thar hills!

So the next time you have that "oh no I never finished college because I failed my science requirement" dream, take a tip from Michael Mann and Phil Jones. Try this in your dream: Rig your data. Hire Gwyneth Paltrow to tell the world how important your fake data is. Then make a documentary film about it. (This is a lot easier than it sounds- anyone can make a documentary. Just ask Laurie David.) Cute polar-bear shots go a long way in the scientific community, trust me.

DIH promises you will wake up a new person.

A champion liar. Maybe an Oscar winner. Or even a Nobel Prize winner.

Hey, come on- it's happened before.


bearing said...

I think this is very funny, because I studied engineering in college, and whenever I have that nightmare it's always an English class.

So there you go.

Sue said...

Bearing- so turnabout really is fair play...

Anonymous said...

Hey Sue ,
I am living that nightmare and its a science class!!!!