Good Morning. Welcome to the Church of Our Lady of the Control Freaks. Before we begin our mass today, a few announcements.
We are a growing parish, and we welcome people of all ages. But those of you over seventy present special challenges for the rest of us. We hereby request that you clean up your act.
Old people will no longer be allowed to nap in the Adoration Chapel. Other adorerers have noticed some of you slipping in a few z's. Not only does your snoring make a racket, but it sets a terrible example for our young people as well. Please consider others when in the chapel.
"Walkers" will no longer be permitted in church. Our aisles are narrow enough without being cluttered up by your contraptions. If you can't walk on your own, please find another way to get to your pew.
The table full of old people who routinely confiscate a personal carafe for Coffee Sundays- you know who you are- will cease immediately. The carafes are not yours and are not intended for private use. If you cannot break this habit we will have to break the table up. This is for everyone's good so please make an effort.
And stop muttering to yourselves. You may be deaf, but the rest of us aren't. We can hear you, and we are sick of it. Shut up.
We will have more announcements on the issue of age-appropriate behavior in church in the coming weeks. Thank you for your prompt attention in these matters.
Have a happy and blessed Holy Week!