Hello, Iowans! Before you go to caucus and give reporters something to write about until the real primary in New Hampshire, here are a few things to ponder.
MORMONS: Hawaiian Punch.
EVANGELICALS: iced tea.
MORMONS: sacred underwear.
EVANGELICALS: profane underwear.
So far the Evangelicals are ahead.
MORMONS: no alcohol
EVANGLEICALS: no alcohol, usually.
Hm. Dead heat there.
MORMONS: Black pants, black shirts, matching bicycle helmets.
EVANGELICALS: golf clothes.
This one's up for grabs, too. Evangelicals go for preppy, Mormon missionary kids are so straight they're punk. Which makes them both stuck in the 80's.
MORMONS: Tabernacle Choir.
EVANGELICALS: Amy Grant.
I gotta give this one to the Evangelicals. Amy Grant at least did a duet with Junior Asparagus. And the Motabs' rendition of Handel's "Messiah" has got to be the dullest on record. Sorry but in DIH's book that's a big minus.
MORMONS: the Osmonds.
EVANGELICALS: the Boones.
Another dead heat.
MORMONS: the kid from "Napoleon Dynamite."
EVANGELICALS: um... no, this one just plain goes to the Mormons. I mean, come on. "I bought you a delicious bass." How can you beat that?
So there you have it, America. Focus on what's really important: It's either Hawaiian Punch and Napoleon Dynamite or iced tea and Pat Boone.