From the Montgomery (Alabama) Advertiser (h/t Amy Welborn):
"Roman Catholic Archbishop Oscar Lipscomb's gold crosier shepherd's crook, his pectoral cross, four mitres, a gold antique chrism vessel and other valuable items were stolen Christmas Eve from his parked car, police said."
[Four mitres? Where was he going with four mitres? A bishop birthday party?]
"Spokesman Officer John Young said Lipscomb had parked his black, four-door Mercedes in front of a home on Spring Bank Road about 6:30 p.m."
[Load up your Mercedes with gold and then park it unattended for a couple of hours. Always a sound plan.]
"The Archbishop discovered the theft when he returned to the vehicle about 8 p.m. There was no sign of forced entry."
[OMG- he didn't even lock the car???]
"A black suitcase was also stolen. It contained religious papers and books, gold coins, a gold oil stock, a wool collar with gold pins, lappets, which are headgear adornments, and a pallium."
[So it was the Pallium Pinchers gang! Or somebody really ticked off that his annulment was stalled, maybe.]
[Or maybe the police should be on the lookout for somebody with really cool "headgear adornments."]
"Young did not know the value of the stolen items."
[Pastors all over the diocese, however, are frantically working their calculators.]
"Lipscomb did not return telephone calls seeking comment."
[Hey, would you?]