I can't believe I'm going to miss the opening of "Snakes on a Plane." Apparently the internet buzz on this masterwork is amazing. Unfortunately DIH will be in rural Wisconsin this weekend with no chance of a multiplex for miles.
So, I've decided to compensate by dashing off a few treatments for future phobia films. And here's the beauty part: all of these stories are TRUE.
"Asians in a Laundromat!" A lone launderer (one load of whites, two darks) sees smoke rising up through the floorboards of a decrepit laundromat in Elmhurst. She runs to the back for help, but, like robots, the employees only repeat a single phrase over and over again: "No English, no English, no English..."
"Ten-year-olds Negotiate!" "Give me that." "No." "Come on." "No." "Come on." "I said, No." "Come on!" "NO!" "Come ON!"
"Squirrels in the Attic!" A desperate homeowner is driven to the edge by the sound of scampering rodent feet. She calls Cooperative Extension in the middle of the night. "Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am," the voice coos. "But squirrels are Protected Wildlife. And now that we have your phone number, if so much as one furry friend is injured we will find you. Heh. Heh. HAHAHAHA!"
I'll be keeping a list, if anyone wants to contribute.