Friday, August 18, 2006

Movie Thoughts

I can't believe I'm going to miss the opening of "Snakes on a Plane." Apparently the internet buzz on this masterwork is amazing. Unfortunately DIH will be in rural Wisconsin this weekend with no chance of a multiplex for miles.

So, I've decided to compensate by dashing off a few treatments for future phobia films. And here's the beauty part: all of these stories are TRUE.

"Asians in a Laundromat!" A lone launderer (one load of whites, two darks) sees smoke rising up through the floorboards of a decrepit laundromat in Elmhurst. She runs to the back for help, but, like robots, the employees only repeat a single phrase over and over again: "No English, no English, no English..."

"Ten-year-olds Negotiate!" "Give me that." "No." "Come on." "No." "Come on." "I said, No." "Come on!" "NO!" "Come ON!"

"Squirrels in the Attic!" A desperate homeowner is driven to the edge by the sound of scampering rodent feet. She calls Cooperative Extension in the middle of the night. "Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am," the voice coos. "But squirrels are Protected Wildlife. And now that we have your phone number, if so much as one furry friend is injured we will find you. Heh. Heh. HAHAHAHA!"

I'll be keeping a list, if anyone wants to contribute.


paulk said...

I'm living my nightmare, "Sending my daughter to public high school!" They watch "Bowling for Columbine" in health class to learn strategies for dealing with their fellow disaffected classmates. I learn about the schools new 4 stage disciplinary strategy in response to last years abuse of cell phone usage at school which included kids text messaging test answers or sending pictures of the whole test to fellow students, or locker room phone video ending up on the internet? One of her classmates found a dead homeless man next to a dumpster the other day and was quoted by the local paper that it was cool finding the body because its usually pretty boring around town. Only three more years of this.

Quipper said...

Democrats in the White House.